I suddenly feel so useless. I feel so weak. I feel like I’m not myself. It felt like I stopped being the best. I stopped being myself. I stopped being who I am.
Everything kept spinning ‘round and ‘round and it seemed like I never cared when I should really do. First there was that PCPGE oratorical contest, which I was already advised last year that I’ll be representing the school for it; second was this upcoming oratorical on honesty in November, which should be mine too, at least, Mr. Puig already said so; third was the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas-sponsored oratorical on statistics, which was supposed to be about 2 weeks before the PCPGE in Ateneo de Manila, but we cancelled on it because they said that I should focus instead in PCPGE; fourth was this upcoming extemporaneous speech contest sponsored by the Rotary Club, which Mrs. Mendoza actually said that if you qualify for the next round, you could go to the international level and win about a hundred thousand pesos, and it was where, by far, Patricia Evangelista was discovered. Evangelista was someone I’ve always looked up to, she was someone I wanted to be, and I feel like this extempo will be my first gargantuan step into molding myself as a real public speaker.
“We could have been the champion if it was you,” mere words uttered that made a big impact and made me question myself, ‘why is it so that I could not maximize my potential? Why is it so that I could not be where I want to be? Why is it so that I could not get what I really want?’
And oh yeah, those ‘mere words’? Mr. Puig told me that after he advised me that nobody won in the PCPGE oratorical. And I was really touched by those words.
I was never bitter, bitter was such a negative word. And I believe that I would never be in that degree. I just felt like I should be the one in their position instead of them. But nevertheless, I was actually proud of them that in that field which was their first time to be exposed of, they passed it. I am not bigheaded, and I don’t feel boastful at all. But a part of me knew that it should have been me. It should have been me holding all those papers which has the oratorical piece, it should have been me who was there orating, it should have been me who would come up the stage. Those were my dreams. And I take everything seriously amidst my ‘should I really care about it?’ façade.
You know what? People mistake me of that single most-thing. They think that I was never serious in things, they think of all things particularly the opposite of who I am. Again, speaking in public is my dream – and I take it seriously.
Public speaking was another dimension that I’ll always be so glad to be in, it was my refuge, my strength, my hope, myself. It was something extraordinary that I do. It was not just something, it was everything for me.
I am listening to Twilight’s Bella’s lullaby, it was too perfect for the mood.
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